Googol Dollar Question

Well, I had intended to post about something else, but I think the time not yet ripe for that one. I'll let that thought mature and take shape while I go ahead and quite literally "pen my thoughts"

My typical style of blogging is as if I am talking to myself. Its sort of an introspection of events that are happening around me of which I am a part of. My actions, my words, my deeds and everything that concerns..well ME! No, I am not a narcissist. The best way I can describe this approach is to understand myself better. And MAYBE to a certain extent self improvement.

Ah! There you go, my train of thought changes tracks again! But I think I'll continue on this one and come back to the 2nd one later.

Well, life is all about making decisions, some are tough, some are easy. Sometimes I do dwell on why I do act in a certain way. A simple case being, today when I spoke to my roommate.

This guy is my colleague of 5 years. I admire him for his work, and I am very good friends with him. He has a laptop but the internet does not work on his machine. So, he was using one of the company provided laptops. Now this is a very trivial thing. But, out of the blue I told him that he will have to give up the laptop since it might go to my boss who's gonna come in Saturday.

He said its okay and continued working. This somehow made me repeat the statement and my friend, he retorted back - "Haan pata hai" - in a manner that was a bit disdainful. Now the googol dollar question is what made me repeat my statement. Actually, my made-up answer to him was "I actually told you so that you can remove your personal data from that." But, thats my console-myself-at-making-an-error kind of statement.

Did I make the 2nd statement because I had this sudden rush of anger of him using the laptop? Now, why would I get that? And that is what I am not able to understand. Its strange isnt it, me not being able to understand myself?

I'm still pondering....on...and on....and on....and on....

Time for Thought

Oh Moi God...I cant believe that its more than a year since my first blog post. Time flies so fast. So much has happened since then. The really bad rains in Mumbai, the change of client and project on my work front, the partial interest in MBA, my first new house in Mumbai, my first long term US trip, reunion with friends in the US, Sister's engagement, bomb blasts in Mumbai. Yeah definitely lots.

And now when I think back, what do I feel? Elated? Thinking that everything's gone according to plan? Dejected? Because everything's backfired? Happy? Because of what I've achieved? Sad? Because I've lost lots? Old? Because I'll be 30 soon? Young? Because I've still not fallen in love? What is it?

The honest answer is - I don't know. One thing that I certainly know is that I feel nostalgic and an infinitesimal amount of regret. Regret of what could have been and what is? Its the price you pay by living in the spur of the moment. But then, thats the way it is! Life.

Many-a-times, I really do wonder, what am I doing? What am I supposed to do? Why am I here for? What will it be when I am gone? Will my birth and death be just some date in a calender which will soon be forgotten? Oh My God! I dread that feeling. The epitaph on my grave might read - Here lies a poor soul who until his end searched for his life's purpose; And didn't find it! And that is my greatest fear. Not death but the fact that I might not have achieved anything in my life.

No..this post was not written under the influence of alchohol. Its my truest and most honest feeling. And I sincerely fear this!

And hence my prayer to the omnipotent, omnipowerful, almightly lord - Nainheen Ko Rah Dikha Prabhu! Tama Soma Jyotir Gamay! Dear Lord lead me from darkness to sunshine.